Pillow Talk

I love being married. It can be a helluva lot of work -- don't get me wrong -- but as a package deal, it's the greatest plan ever.

Among the things I love most about being married? I'm like a kid at a sleepover. Every. Single. Night.

I was always that kid at sleepovers, the last one whispering into the darkness "Is anyone else still awake?" I treasured the talking for what seemed like hours in the half-light of sleeping bags and pillows as my friends drifted off to sleep one by one. The conversations never really ended, they just got quieter and slower to be continued another day. 

Many nights now as the clock ticks toward midnight, my husband finally leans over, kisses me and says, "You can keep talking if you want to, but I'm falling asleep."

My love of the (bedtime) chat seems to have been genetically passed on to my children, who talk continuously without breaking for breath during the day and don't really slow down at night either. So I probably shouldn't have been surprised when they started sharing a room. 

It happened at first as a special "sibling sleepover" treat one weekend when I was out of town. Junius moved up to his top bunk, while Pippi assembled her own pillows, blankets and friends on his bottom bunk. They had fun pretending to camp together, and my husband had an easier time putting them to bed when he didn't have to bounce back and forth between their two rooms. 

That was two months ago.

Any day now, I keep thinking she'll want to go back to her double bed and all her own space. Or that he'll get tired of her stuff in his room and kick her down the hall. Instead, the only change they've made is to trade bunks.

They even asked if we could turn her room into a play space instead of a bedroom. I said no, knowing that three minutes after I finish, I'll have to turn it right back. 

But it doesn't matter how long it lasts, this bunk-sharing approach. All that matters is that I will always know -- and hopefully they will remember -- that it ever was. That there once was a time when they shushed each other to sleep because they loved each other enough to tolerate the one sneezing and humming while the other tosses and rattles the beds in exchange for being together just a little bit longer. 

Best Anniversary Gift Ever

Tomorrow is my anniversary -- or as Pippi calls it, my Wedding Celebration Day.

Number 11.

Apparently the traditional gift is steel (which seems like maybe I could count the metal rooster we got this summer at the flea market, but according to the Bloggess, that's for 15th anniversaries), but I haven't actually bought a present for my husband yet. And I have no idea what to get.

Maybe that's because he doesn't really need anything. Or because the things he'd really want -- like a week with me on a private beach or a convertible BMW -- are completely out of my budget.

But the truth is that I know anything I come up with will pale in comparison to the Best Anniversary Gift Ever of 2005.

In keeping with the traditional linen for our fourth anniversary, I gave him the perfect gift: a quiet night's sleep in our freshly made guest room. Alone. Because that was the year that Junius was born.

Junius was a delightful, beautiful blessing of a baby who never ever slept for more than 45 minutes at a time unless he was being held. So he slept in our bed propped up on my chest every night for the first three months of his life. That's why the best thing I could have possibly given my husband that year was a night without me.

Giving him the chance to sleep undisturbed not only between feedings but through an ENTIRE NIGHT was the absolute most luxurious thing I could do for him. And now I don't really know how to top that.

What I do know is that I love him very much and that marrying him was the single best decision I've ever made.

Now quick - post some gift ideas in the comments here. I promise to give you credit if I steal incorporate your idea.

Heartbroken

I really believed it would all end differently.

Kind of in that way that I believed Pippi would arrive naturally a week before my due date, that Carolina would win the NCAA tournament every year, that every piano contest I played in growing up would net me a superior rating.

But it didn't. And North Carolina broke my heart tonight.

Maybe I shouldn't be surprised -- North Carolina is still a very rural and religiously conservative state. My view from the state's urban areas where I've lived isn't the life that most North Carolinians see every day. Even though the "Vote Against" signs dominated in my neighborhood, apparently we're not as representative of the state as I believed we could be.

So I'm finding solace in the fact that Wake (Raleigh), Durham, Orange (Chapel Hill), Buncombe (Asheville), Mecklenburg (Charlotte), Watauga (Boone) and Chatham (Pittsboro) counties voted down the amendment. I'm focusing on the more than 800,000 people across the state who made their voices heard in opposition on the ballot. I'm remembering the small pleasures of discovering unexpected people who were voting against.

And I'm thinking how, years from now when my children are part of the movement to repeal this ridiculous mess, I'll tell them about tonight and how I believed, how I continued to believe. Then they'll wonder aloud why it took so long. And I'll smile and simply thank them for finally setting things straight.

Pun intended.

Editor's note [May 9, 6:56 a.m.]: Had to adjust the list of counties based on updated vote tallies after I went to bed last night. Sadly Guilford, New Hanover and Forsyth counties swung for the amendment once all votes were counted.

Why You Should Vote Against Amendment One (Even If You're a Christian Republican)

It's time to make me proud, North Carolina. Time to stand up and show the rest of the country -- and the world -- that we're not afraid to vote down a constitutional amendment that does nothing to protect the citizens of this great state. In case you haven't seen it yet, here's the exact wording of the amendment as it appears on the ballot:

Constitutional amendment to provide that marriage between one man and one woman is the only domestic legal union that shall be valid or recognized in this State.

You already know about I feel about this issue -- nothing about same-sex relationships threatens my marriage with my husband. Our wedding vows face a much greater danger from early-rising children and quality television programming.

But perhaps, with all the campaign rhetoric and general election babble, you haven't been able to discern your own opinion on the matter. Lucky for you, I'm here to help.

Here's a checklist to help you know if it's okay for you to VOTE NO on Amendment One. If ANY of the following statements (some of which are mutually exclusive) apply to you, then you should VOTE NO on Tuesday:

• "I believe that marriage should only be legal between one man and one woman -- and I'm glad North Carolina already has an effective law on the books defining marriage that way."
• "I believe that constitutional amendments should be about protecting the rights of law-abiding citizens, not taking them away."
• "I'm opposed to same-sex marriage, but I don't want to take away the option for opposite-sex couples to access the legal benefits of a domestic partnership without getting married."
• "I have a strong religious faith and I firmly believe that Jesus teaches us to be compassionate and kind to all our brothers -- not just some of them."
• "I'm concerned that family law professors from across the state, including the Wake Forest University School of Law, are actively opposed to Amendment One. They worry that the vague and broad language of the amendment, at a minimum, creates dangerous uncertainty into issues of family benefits and protections."
• "When House Speaker Thom Tillis, a primary proponent of Amendment One, says publicly that he believes the amendment will be repealed in 20 years, it sounds like a big waste of time and lots of money. Let's just skip the middle man and vote no."
• "I'm a Republican and generally agree with the politics of people like U.S. Rep. Renee Ellmers, John Hood (president of the John Locke Foundation) and Richard Vinroot, all of whom are opposed to Amendment One."
• "I'm concerned about North Carolina's economy and want to be sure that businesses see our community as a great place to be. If the CEO of Duke Energy thinks that Amendment One will discourage new business from coming to NC, then I'm opposed to it, too."
• "I'm a Democrat and generally agree with the politics of people like Bill Clinton, who is opposed to Amendment One."
• "I think government should be small and should not encroach upon private, personal matters. Marriage should be left to the church, not state government."
• "I believe in the separation of church and state. My church does not recognize same-sex marriage, but it's not something that need to involve the state constitution."
• "I think marriage is seriously hard work -- it's not something that anyone should enter into lightly. If you've got two loving, caring adults who want to commit to spending their lives together, contributing to their community, maybe raising a family, then who am I to stand in their way?"
• "I love Broadway theatre -- especially the smash hit Wicked. If those people are opposed to Amendment One, then so am I!"
• "I don't think gay people are scary. In fact, some of my best friends are gay -- and their weddings were fabulous!"

Okay, so I'm getting a little punchy and tired now, but you get the idea. 

It's time to do the right thing, North Carolina. Vote AGAINST Amendment One on May 8.

Marital Threats and How You Can Help

Somehow, I just can't believe that 76-year-old Lennie and 87-year-old Pearl are a threat to my "traditional" marriage.

And yet, conservative politicians, religious leaders and other groups keep trying to convince me that allowing homosexuals to get married threatens the very foundations of the institution of marriage.

Yeah, right.

I'm here to tell you that what threatens my marriage is not the notion that my across-the-street neighbor might one day want to marry his adorable boyfriend, or that my friend a few streets over is planning to have a baby with her girlfriend. And I definitely do not see a clear and present danger in two septuagenarian/octogenarian women who have loved each other faithfully for 45 years while making great contributions to their community and generally being nice people.

If you really must know, here are a few things that are an actual threat to the health of my one-man-one-woman, walked-down-the-aisle, have-a-license-to-prove-it marriage:

1. My children get up absurdly early. Every. Single. Day. My son is up AND DRESSED no later than 6 a.m. Even on Saturdays -- okay, he's still in his pajamas on the weekend, but he's up nonetheless. My daughter, convinced she might miss out on something fun, is up with him at the same time. And they expect to be entertained. Otherwise they start whining and annoying each other.
2. My husband has his own opinions and ideas. I mean, I thought he was just going to agree with me. Who knew he'd have his own vision about decorating the house, planning vacations or scheduling our weekends. Now we have to work together and compromise to get things done -- this means disagreeing sometimes, even arguing or fighting occasionally. After 10 years, there are no deal breakers, but it still takes work.
3. Babysitters can be expensive. In order for us to spend time together without our kids to nurture our relationship, we have to hire a babysitter. Then we have to go somewhere, which means spending more money. Without even doing anything fancy, we can easily spend $100 on a evening out. It might actually be cheaper to go to a marriage counselor who offered childcare in the waiting room than to plan a date night.
4. Social media is a time suck. After the kids go to bed, when we should probably be engaged in quality conversation together, we both tumble down the rabbit hole of Twitter, blogging, Words with Friends, Angry Birds, Pinterest, Gentlemint and a hundred other online traps. Not that there's anything wrong with reading blogs (ahem), but it does keep our focus off of each other.
5. Downton Abbey and Mad Men are too good. Again with the night-time distractions. But seriously -- how can we focus on each other when there's Lady Mary and Don Draper to worry about? Plus there's Modern Family and 30 Rock when we need a laugh, or Psych and White Collar when we want some investigating, or Portlandia when it's time for something random and hilarious. That TiVo box is seriously hazardous to our marital health.
6. The house is not self-cleaning. Even if we manage to turn off the TV and other electronics, there's still the laundry to fold, the dishes to wash, the grass to mow, the bathrooms to clean, the dinner to cook, the lunches to make, the bills to pay, the groceries to buy, the appointments to schedule. It would take six adults running this house in order to free up enough time for us to really stop and just be with each other. Again, Downton Abbey seems like a good idea.

So if you're really serious about wanting to protect North Carolina families and preserve healthy marriages across the state, you have a few options:

a. You can volunteer to babysit my children for the weekend free of charge.
b. You can donate time or money to an organization like Protect NC Families, the Equality NC Foundation, Race to the Ballot or We Are NC -- or attend the Love Wins dance this weekend in Durham.
c. You can make sure you're registered to vote NO on May 8.
d. All of the above.

Just let me know when you're ready to schedule that babysitting weekend.

One Great Day Plus Ten Amazing Years

The first time I went to an Eddie from Ohio show and heard lead singer Julie Murphy Wells belt out the band's a capella "Great Day," I leaned over to my date and whispered that the song would make a perfect wedding processional. 

Less than a year later, I married that date -- and although we didn't play the song during our wedding ceremony, we did use it to make our grand entrance into the reception.

Even with the red eye, this is one of my favorite wedding pictures. A candid photo from a friend, it captures how very happy we were in the moment. When our friend and emcee DSR introduced us as the song rang out through the room, it truly was a Great Day -- what a blessing to be together and to have so many wonderful friends and family there to celebrate with us.



And so today, on this Great Day ten years later, with blue skies, green grass and beauty surrounding us, I am counting my blessings. A lot has changed in the past decade -- and not all of the 3,650 days were easy ones -- but every day together will always be a Great Day.

Related anniversary posts:
- For My Husband (or, Our First Dance)
- A Decade of Dancing
- Happy 9th Anniversary
- Naming Conventions
- Tenth Anniversary of 9/11
- Thankful for Blue Skies
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Tenth Anniversary of 9/11

Home.

All I could think about in that moment was getting home. As fast as possible.

I'd been sitting in my Tuesday morning graphic design class in the basement of Carroll Hall when some journalism student ran past shouting something about a plane crashing into the World Trade Center.

Silly undergrads, I thought. Those kids will do anything for attention.

And then I could hear the news coverage suddenly playing live on the big screen in the classroom next door. Not a joke at all. Not even close.

A quick check of my email showed a message from my almost-husband sending me to CNN's website, but by the time I clicked the link the internet had screeched to a halt along with the rest of the watching nation.

Home. If I can just get home, I said to myself, I'll be okay.

As classes ended abruptly across campus, I stepped outside into the bright blue day and called P to come get me. I didn't think I could walk the mile back to our house.

Looking back on that moment, I'm struck by how many people just wanted to be home at that same instant and weren't able to call someone to come get get them. How many people were waiting by the phone to get that call, but it didn't ring.

P and I spent the rest of that day hugging each other and watching the news and cleaning our house, as if eliminating the dust bunnies from our hardwood floors would somehow eliminate the threat of terrorism in our country.

Then four days later, we got married.

It's a strange thing to share the week of my wedding anniversary with a day of national terror and destruction. But it's also a powerful reminder of how blessed and lucky I am to have been able to call my true love that day and have him scoop me up and take me safely home.

Sending prayers for all those who are missing loved ones from their homes today.
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A Decade of Dancing

Ten years ago today, during my graduate school spring break, I wandered through the Musee D'Orsay and saw this painting ("La Danse á la Ville" or "Dance in the City") by Renoir:

Then a couple of hours later, I found myself strolling across this bridge (Pont Neuf, the city's oldest):

And before I realized what was happening, this man was kneeling in front of me with a diamond ring sparkling in his hand:

He looked up into my eyes and said, "Je vous demande commencer la danse de nos vies ensemble..." (Translation: "I'm asking you to begin the dance of our lives together...")

I gasped, clutching my heart, and stammered, "Oh my gosh! Are you SERIOUS? Is it REAL?!" (Translation: "Yes, a thousand times, yes!")

He smiled at me and slid the ring on my finger as a misty rain fell over the Seine. We wandered around Paris in a daze for nearly an hour before finding ourselves back on the bridge and then stumbling into Côté Seine for a champagne dinner.

Ten years later, my answer would simply be: Oui, bien sûr. And what a dance it has turned out to be.

Renoir photo: wallyg. Bridge photo: Gregory Bastien. Husband photo: Evolve Studio.

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Friday's 5: Local Places to Spend the Night Away

Before we had kids, my husband and I took romantic trips to places like South Beach (FL), Charleston (SC, not WV) and Paris (France, not Texas).

After kids? Not so much. In fact, I'm ashamed to say that my passport is still expired.

But even though it's been years since we took a big trip together, that doesn't mean we haven't planned a getaway weekend here and there. We've just shifted from focusing on the destination to simply being-together-not-at-home-with-kids.

In order to maximize our time away and minimize the time we spend traveling, we've taken some lovely overnight trips to such exotic locales as (are you ready for this?) Pittsboro, Chapel Hill and Durham. Yes, that's a whopping 35 miles (or less) from our house.

I know it sounds crazy, but just leaving the kids at home with the grandparents while we sneak away for 24 hours is a marriage-saving luxury. We eat out for lunch, dinner and breakfast. We nap. We sleep in. We (gasp) talk to each other. We finish WHOLE SENTENCES without being interrupted. We maybe go to a movie or do a little shopping. We even spend a some quality time being naked together.

Then we go home to our beautiful children, much happier to see them because we've been away. They're so happy to see us, too -- but they also get a great time with their grandparents. It's really a win-win-win for all involved.

So if you're in need of a getaway with your spouse -- or even just to escape on your own for 24 hours -- here are five recommendations of places that are close to home:

1. The Fearrington House Country Inn: We stayed at the award-winning Fearrington right before Christmas when Junius was still an only child. It was my first night away from him in his whole 17-month life -- and it was  just what everyone in the family needed. The restaurant is fantastic, so you don't need to drive anywhere. Be sure not miss out on the afternoon tea. 
2. The Franklin Hotel: We stayed at the Franklin in November 2009 -- and yes, we sing the beginning of Nick Jr's "Franklin" theme song every time we talk about it ("Hey, it's Franklin..."). Being a UNC alum (twice), I'm always happy to spend a weekend on the Hill. But more than that, the Franklin is a beautiful, classy place to stay. Plus there are great restaurants in easy walking distance, so you can leave the car in the garage and not deal with downtown parking.
3. The King's Daughters Inn: We stayed at the KDI (as they call it in the materials) last weekend thanks to a Living Social Deal. Although I'd normally be a little jittery so close to Duke's campus (see double-UNC alum, above), I really liked the inn. Again, lots of great restaurants close by -- although we ended up driving to dinner because it was cold and rainy. More details in next week's post.
4. Renaissance Raleigh North Hills Hotel: I actually stayed at the Renaissance with a friend for a mom's getaway -- but it would be a nice place to go with my husband sometime, too. It's less than two miles from my house, yet I could have been 200 miles away given the bizarre feeling of freedom to see an afternoon movie, enjoy a leisurely dinner, wander around shops and visit with my friend. The Renaissance Hotels are Marriott properties, but more upscale than the average chain hotels.
5. Front Street Inn: This is the only place on my list that's not in the Triangle -- but Wilmington is an easy 2-hour drive from Raleigh. With quirky rooms and a view of the Cape Fear River, the Front Street Inn is located in the historic district, offering easy access to restaurants, shops and antique stores.

So the next place on my list? The Umstead Hotel and Spa. I haven't even been inside yet, but everything that I've read and seen about it looks glorious. If we can't get back to Paris for our 10th anniversary this fall, maybe we can just pretend by enjoying the luxurious life at The Umstead and spending a morning at the NC Museum of Art.

How about you? What's your favorite overnight getaway location?


Note: As always, none of the places listed here offered me any sort of compensation for writing this post. However, I'm happy to accept a coupon toward my next visit if anyone would like to send one.

Wordless Wednesday: Happy Anniversary

Sept. 15, 2001

Naming Conventions

When my husband and I went to the county courthouse to get our marriage license before our wedding, we asked the woman there if we would be able to use the license to change our names at the social security office.

"Sure, honey," she looked at me. "You just take this with you and they'll change your name for you."

"Right," I replied. "And for him, too?"

She looked at me like I'd just sprouted a second head. After going around that same exchange again, she finally sighed and said, "If he's going to change his name, too, he'll need a lawyer."

Weeks later, we took our forms and our marriage license into the social security office, bracing for more crazy looks when we explained that we were taking each other's name and making a double surname for our family.

"These forms are correct?" the social security clerk asked, barely looking up from his desk.

"Yes," we replied.

"Do you want a hyphen in there?"

"No." (My husband felt like we had enough punctuation already with the apostrophe from his last name, and who was I to argue with a man who volunteered to take my name along with his own?)

"Okay. You'll get your new cards in the mail." And that was that.

Now, nine years and two kids later, we all have four names -- and I love it and hate it at the same time. It means the world to me that my husband was willing to change his name, too, without being asked. And it was important to me to keep all of my names while also taking his. We weren't following anyone's tradition, but we did what felt right and symbolic to us.

The downsides are that monograms are really tricky and no one understands what our last name is. Sometimes I don't mind when people skip over my contribution to the double name, but I never know where we'll be alphabetized at will-call or the pharmacy. It's also a lot to put on a kindergartner just learning how to write his first name, only to discover that he has three more to figure out.

I thought of all this on Sunday while reading the wedding announcements (oh, come on, like you never read them). There were only two weddings listed, but both involved grooms with double surnames. For both marriages, it looked like the husband planned to keep his double surname as is, but each bride had a different solution to her married name.

In one case, the bride simply took the groom's hyphenated surname. In the other, the bride created a new hyphenated surname with her maiden name followed by the groom's second surname. That made me wonder what they've discussed doing for kids' names. And did the groom's mother feel slighted that her daughter-in-law didn't take her part of the surname?

Regardless, it's nice to see people finding their own ways through and around the married name conundrum. And if either one of my four-named children ends up marrying another four-named person, I'm promising now to stay out of the way and let them figure it out for themselves -- as long as it's something they decide together.
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An Ineffable Decade

Ten years ago this week, I walked into my first class as a grad student at UNC and met my husband.

Of course, he wasn't my husband at the time. He was my professor.

Okay, I was a master's student and he was a doctoral student, so technically we were also classmates. But at that first moment, he was still my professor -- and I knew immediately that there was something different about him.

When he handed out our "welcome to class" forms to fill out, he asked all the usual stuff (name, email, website, etc), with some additional questions thrown in. I spent a lot of time on that form -- way more than should have been necessary. It seemed suddenly very important to make a good first impression. The two questions I remember focusing on most were:

1. What is one word that describes you?
2. Is there anything else I should know about you?

My answers were:

1. Ineffable.
2. I drive a convertible. 

The next day, we were flirting in the halls of the journalism school. Two weeks after that, I switched into a different section of the class so that we could start (officially) dating. One year later, we were married.

Ten years later, I'm still amazed at how it all happened. I might not be ineffable anymore, but I'm still driving a convertible and still trying to impress him. 

The good news? It seems to be working.

Photo from UNC.

The Story of the Convertible Girl

When I was about 10 years old, my dad bought a Fiat Spider convertible that was about the same age. It was navy blue and not nearly as shiny as the one on display in this photo (at left), but I loved it.

That year,
I became a convertible girl.

Six years later, my father presumably beyond the impulse that had inspired the purchase, I learned to drive a stick on this car. To get it into reverse, I had to use all my strength to pull up on the gear shift and force it back into gear. It had a choke and a throttle around the steering column, both of which required some sort of just-right-and-not-too-much balance to keep the car running. The trunk had it's own tiny key, separate from the ignition key, and we only had one copy -- when it was open, the heavy trunk lid propped up precariously on a thin pole. There were no shoulder straps, only lap belts, and certainly no air bags or other safety features. I kept a scrunchie (it was the late 80s, people) around the gear shift to keep my long (ahem, permed) hair out of my face while I was driving. The top was manual, of course, which required getting out of the car and heaving the top up or down. And I loved every minute of it.

Thinking back, I can't believe my parents ever let me drive this car. But they did -- and through some clever scheduling of my piano lessons immediately after school during my senior year, I managed to drive this car to and from high school nearly every day. It didn't exactly make the boys fall all over me, but it sure made me feel cool.

While I was away at college, my dad sold the car -- I couldn't take it with me to school and my brother wasn't old enough to drive at the time, so I guess it didn't make sense to keep it. I suffered through graduation driving a used Ford Taurus (but appreciative for the loaner), then bought my own convertible after starting my job in the fall. The only way I survived that first year of teaching was by putting the top down when I left work at the end of the day and driving aimlessly around town to clear my head.

That car, the black Toyota Celica shown in the top left of the new blog header, also helped me lure my husband. On my welcome-to-class form the first day I saw him (did I mention he was the professor in my first class in grad school?), I responded to the question "Is there anything else I should know about you?" with "I drive a convertible." Within two weeks, I had to change into a different section of the class so that I could date him.

When we got married one year later, my husband and I made convertible ownership a family policy. Getting in and out of the low-slung car when I was 9 months pregnant was no easy task, but I was willing to manage. After Junius was born, we wedged a car seat into the back of the Celica and kept on driving. When my beloved convertible started to wear down (after a wonderful 12 years behind the wheel), we debated about getting a more practical wagon. But I think we both always knew we'd end up with the pre-owned Solara instead (see top right of header).

Driving that Fiat to high school 20 years ago, I never would have believed one day I'd have two car seats in the back of my convertible. But they fit great, the kids love it, and it makes my husband happy. It's also the perfect reminder to me that even though being a mom changes everything, I'm still the same girl I've always been.

So welcome to my convertible life -- where things move fast, life is always changing and every day is different, even when it's exactly the same. As long as the sun is shining and the top is down, I know we'll make it through with a smile.

Fiat photo from International Auto Parts.
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Remember me? I'm Your Wife...

What with all the ranting last week, I ran out of days to write about the glorious 27 hours I spent with my husband over Thanksgiving weekend.

That's 27 hours alone. No kids. No parents. No work. No deadlines. Just us. Overnight. For the first time in three years.

Crazy, crazy fun.

We left the kids at home with my parents on Friday morning at 9:30 and returned home the next day around noon. Picasso and Warhol at the Nasher in the morning. Pepper's for lunch. Afternoon nap at The Franklin. Dinner at Mediterranean Deli. Movie at The Varsity. The Franklin's special breakfast in bed. Brunch from Sunrise Biscuit Kitchen. Plus some lovely details in between that I won't write about because my parents and my in-laws read my blog (and it's not that kind of blog anyway).

Did I mention it had been three years?

Oh, and my favorite part about staying at The Franklin? The "do not disturb" button right beside the headboard -- you don't even have to get out of bed to hang the tag on your door.

Could it be more perfect?

Friday's Five: The Wedding

Yesterday, while most eyes (including the sweet groom's) were focused on the beautiful bride featured above, mine were fixed on that adorable little ring-bearer. Our family met the bride when Junius was 5 months old -- she was one of his first regular babysitters and has been an adopted member of our family ever since.

The celebration of marriage was wonderful and beautifully personalized by this special couple -- and of course, my favorite part was seeing how happy they were to be getting married. But here are five other favorite details about the big day:

1. Junius in a tuxedo: Did I mention he was adorable? I'm talking crazy cute. The best was watching him tap dance in his shiny tuxedo shoes during the reception. I'm thinking we could rent him out as a ring-bearer for other weddings to help pay for college later on. He was that sweet.
   
   
2. Kid-friendly event: Not many young couples would purposely invite lots of small children to their wedding. But this event not only allowed the kids, the bride and groom went out of their way to make sure they were included. From fancy corn dogs in the buffet line to dancing the hokey-pokey to a special photo of the bride with all her babysitting charges, it was a great wedding for the little ones.
   
   
3. Musical favor: The bride and groom created a CD for their guests, calling it "a condensed playlist of our lives... so far." With tracks from Avett Brothers, Iron & Wine, The Shins and Wilco, it's not your usual wedding fare -- which is exactly what makes it so fantastic.
   
   
4. Ring-bearer gift: One of the most useful gifts ever, this basket (shown below) came in black with Junius's name embroidered in blue along the side. For the wedding and reception, I loaded it up with coloring books (and those Color Wonder markers that only write on the magic paper), snacks, tissues and pajamas (for the ride home). Stylish and functional -- doesn't get any better than that.
   
   
5. High heels: Okay, so I realize this last one is more about me than the event, but it was kind of a big deal. Despite my general fear of tall shoes, I found some very cute peep toe heels that I could actually walk in. Sadly, I can't find a picture of them online, and the only picture that shows my feet in them is one that Junius took and the awkward angle makes my legs appear chunky and I'm too vain to post it. But trust me that I was walking in heels, and they look good.
   

Congratulations to our friends -- thank you for letting us celebrate with you! May you always love each other and enjoy each other as much as you did on your wedding day.

P.S. Looks like the "Friday" post over the weekend is getting to be a regular event. My apologies... I never have been good at being on time, but at least I'm getting it done.

For My Husband

As I walked down the aisle eight years ago today, arm-in-arm with my parents, my hands were shaking so badly that I thought I might drop my bouquet. It wasn't so much nerves as excitement and emotional overload.

When I got to the front of the church, I took my soon-to-be-husband's hand, kissed him on the mouth and promptly stopped shaking.

After the wedding, I got a lot of teasing about how I was supposed to wait until the end of the ceremony for the big kiss. But it was totally worth it.

We might have surprised a few people with our choice of song for our first dance, too -- although not our next door neighbor, who didn't realize he'd been listening to us practice our shag moves (no, not that kind of shag) every time it played.


Happy anniversary, my love. Only 42 more years until you get to renegotiate the contract.

Definitely Not the Duggars

Four summers ago, we met the T and H families here at the beach. They had come down together from Charlotte, but it was a happy coincidence for us that we were staying next-door to families who each had a one-year-old like us. We bonded over early morning playtime on the beach (why can't these little ones understand the joy of sleeping in on vacation?!) and had so much fun that we made plans to return to the same place same week every year.

Since that first summer, our group has grown from three babies across three families to nine kids and four families (two with three kids each). For my children, it's all the fun of having seven extra cousins without any of the work. For me, it's a joy to have interesting people to talk with and share life with, outside the busy context of our "regular" worlds back home.

One of the topics of conversation this summer has started with the lead-in, "So are you guys done?"

Over the past year, my husband and I seriously considered joining the three-is-the-new-two approach to family planning (I mean really, I have SO many friends with three kids now). In fact, it was a tougher decision than I expected. After growing up in a family of four, I always assumed I would have two kids as well -- but it's such an amazing thing to create a tiny person out of nothing and then watch him or her grow, it's almost addictive. Our children are beautiful, healthy, funny, smart and interesting (if we do say so ourselves), so why wouldn't we want more? Plus, maybe if we had another one, I'd get one who looked even remotely like me (although probably not).

But my response to the question this week has been, "Yep. We're done." Followed immediately by a long-winded explanation of why we made that choice, including a host of reasons like...

• our age (I was already "advanced maternal age" when Pippi was born, which is still several years younger than my husband)
• our cars (which are paid for, but can't hold more than two car seats)
• our energy levels (severely depleted after not sleeping through most nights for the past four years)
• our marriage (which doesn't get nearly the attention it deserves while we try to manage everything else)
• our concerns about a third c-section (which means a longer, more painful postpartum)
• our finances (which are holding on for the moment, but would get thin with more family members requiring food, clothes and college funds)
  

I'm not sure why I can't just answer, "Yes -- our family is complete," and leave it at that. Maybe it's because, ultimately, I'm afraid I can't handle a third -- just not organized enough or patient enough or creative enough to manage any more than the chaos I already have. My tenuous hold on sanity and good parenting might not survive two more little hands pulling me in every direction, accompanying me on every trip to the toilet, making demands on my every waking (and sometimes sleeping) minute. If I'm honest, I think we're done because I'm done.

But then I hold a sweet new baby, sniff that fresh baby head, cuddle those tiny rolls and creases. In that moment, I think maybe just maybe we rushed into the decision to stop, maybe there's another baby in my heart, maybe we really could manage three.

And then that sweet new baby starts to cry or spit up or fuss and I remember how hard and exhausting and lonely those new babies can make me feel. And I'm over it.

Thankfully, our beach friends aren't done yet, so maybe there will be more sweet babies to hold and snuggle and sniff next year -- and then (thank goodness) quietly hand them back to their parents.

Note: If you don't get the title of the post (or if you have suggestions for a 19th "J" name), go here. And if you haven't commented on my post for the contest at Triangle TRACKS yet, Friday is your last chance.

Good Day for a Dad

Although I'm guessing this wasn't his ideal Father's Day, my husband was a great dad today.

I've had a fever and a miserable cold since Friday night and Pippi woke up with the same mess on Saturday, so we haven't been a whole lot of fun. Junius made a nice card (on his sister's behalf) and we let Daddy go for a run this morning. But otherwise, he's been on Dad Duty pretty much all weekend.

When I woke up from a long morning nap (I'd put myself in bed right after I put Pippi down), the house was empty. Turns out that my sweet husband had retrieved Pip after her nap (I never even heard her wake up), dressed both kids (with bloomers on Pippi, no less) and gone to Biscuitville. We sat out on our front porch and ate biscuits together while the kids begged sips of sweet tea from their Daddy.

It wasn't anything fancy, but for me it was a perfect picture of why he's my husband. I always knew he would be a wonderful dad -- not just a father, but a real kiss-the-boo-boos-change-the-diapers-get-down-and-silly-hands-on dad.

My own father was and is a great dad -- and now a great PopPop, too. So I know that my husband might just be the greatest gift I can give my children -- a dad who loves them, a dad that I love, a dad who loves me.

Happy Father's Day!

How Netflix Saved My Marriage

Before we had children, my husband and I watched lots of movies. Sometimes we went to the movie theater for a night out. Other times we'd watch whatever was on Turner Classic Movies, occasionally watching two or three movies back-to-back late into the night. But often, we'd find ourselves at the video store (yes, it was VHS for us back then) trying to agree on a movie to rent.

If we were at VisArt Video (when we lived in Chapel Hill), we usually made it out safely with some interesting foreign or indie film. But if (Lord, help us) we had to go to Blockbuster, all bets were off. Inevitably, we wasted nearly an hour wandering around the store, unable to agree on anything, before finally picking something out of desperation that neither of us really wanted to watch. By then we were both so irritated that we'd start arguing about anything petty and pointless on the way home, so that we had no interest in spending time together by the time we finally got there.

And then the heavens opened, and we subscribed to Netflix.

The fighting ended. Happy movie watching ensued, with no late fees.

Over the years, our subscription has changed. We used to get 3-at-a-time unlimited rentals back when we could actually watch three movies in a weekend. Now we're on the 2-at-a-time/4-a-month plan, which might still be too much for our lifestyle -- but one of them is usually a kids' DVD, so it works. Our excessively long queue is still filled with new releases, old classics, quirky independents and those series we missed on TV -- but it's also peppered with Bob the Builder, episode of The Muppet Show and some Herbie movies.

Nice that Netflix can evolve and grow with us -- just like the marriage it helped save.

Simple Gifts

Today's inauguration was amazing. I'm embarrassed to confess it, but I don't think I've ever actually watched one before, except in news clips. Got goosebumps and choked up and all that. Really felt like it was "my" president being sworn in for the first time.

The instrumental performance before the swearing in -- with Perlman and Yo-Yo Ma and the two other people whose names I can't remember -- took my breath away. Composer John Williams worked in "Tis the Gift to Be Simple," which we used in an arrangement for our wedding processional. Seems like the perfect music for a wonderful beginning. If the parallel holds true for my first year of marriage and Obama's first year in office, it won't necessarily be an easy year for him, but it will definitely be worth all the effort.

Every time Junius saw the 44th president on TV today, he would jump up and sing out, in his clearest, most careful voice, "That's President Bar-ack O-bama!" Made me so proud, even though I'm not sure he understands what he's saying.

I just have this feeling that 2009 is going to be a good year. And it will be the simple gifts -- watching Pippi get steady on her feet, listening to Junius sing, having the same home address all year, trusting in our President -- that will make it so.